Episode 710

When Chris Harrison agreed to host The Bachelor, he probably didn't think he'd ever be doing the play-by-play for an ice cream sundae obstacle course. Enter Bachelor Pad, and Chris is declaring, “Into the field of whipped cream!” and “The rest of the pack still scaling the the hot fudge wall.”

Not be be outdone by Chris Harrison, contestant Ed chimes in: “It's my turn to get into the nutsack.”

Thank you, Bachelor Pad, for always providing the punchline.

Episode 709

I was trying to give Felicity the benefit of the it's-not-just-a-Dawson's-Creek-rip-off doubt. I bit my tongue for months. And then Season 4, Episode 4  happened.

In just one episode, the following three Dawson's Creek plot points went down:

• Felicity enters a beauty pageant to win scholarship money. (See Joey entering a beauty pageant to win.)  
• Noel offers Felicity his windfall money to pay for school, but she's too proud to accept. (See Dawson offering Joey his windfall money, but she's too proud to accept.)
• Felicity is late, i.e., might be pregnant. Turns out she's not. (See Joey being late, i.e., might be pregnant. Turns out she's not.) 

Not convinced? Let's do another mini-checklist (this time, series-wide).

• Emotionally damaged bad boy becomes a Big Brother volunteer? Check. 
• Fire destroys the one thing the leading lady loves? Check.
• Smart overachieving girl cheats on a major assessment but gets off easy? Check.

If anyone else wants to join in on the fun, please do.

P.S. I'm really glad J.J. Abrams worked out the time-travel kinks in Felicity before he tried it on LOST. Because, oh boy, the kinks were aplenty. 

Episode 708

I was recently told by a good Christian boy from Texas that Friday Night Lights doesn't hold up. Yes, you heard that right. Friday Night Lights doesn't hold up.

I was horrified, naturally, but the reasonable side of me decided to turn to my most trusted TV critic for solace. And boy did I find it.

JamesPoniewozik is always the trump card—sorry, Good Christian Boy Who Is Almost Certainly Not Reading This.

Not only did Poniewozik calm my fears, he even compared TV to the serialized novel, which suddenly makes my already amazing job (writing about literature using TV references) that much better. Or validated. Or something. Whatever, I love my job.

Episode 707

The other day, I met someone who looked exactly like Michael Emerson (AKA Ben Linus). Exactly. Same eyes, same nose, same creepy-but-endearing personality.

And of course, no one else at the table saw it. Apparently, I have a tendency to think people look like celebrities when they in no way do. But I won't let it discourage me, and now I have one to share with the Olympic-watching world:

RyanLochte looks just like Luke Cafferty.

Talk amongst yourselves.

P.S. Jason Lezak has got to be related to Craig T. Nelson.

Episode 706

To Cancel or Not to Cancel?

That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the studio apartment to stick with cable or to relish in the glory of the Roku.

The run-down, based on pros. Yeah, the glass is always half full when it comes to TV.

Cable:

1. The Olympics
2. Getting to hear Alton and Bobby make fun of Giada. RICOTTA!
3. Tear-jerking contemporary routines on So You Think You Can Dance

Roku (i.e., Netflix):

1. Watching shows from the 90s and 00s that I never got to watch when they aired. We're talking Ugly Betty, Felicity, My So-Called Life, and so I don't seem like a total loser, Sports Night.
2. Unlimited, convenient reruns of The Office and How I Met Your Mother, two of the best rewatch value shows of all time.
3. That cool clicking sound it makes as you spend more time scrolling through your choices than you actually spend watching them.

When you throw Hulu Plus into the mix, all signs point to Roku. Speak now, or forever hold your peace.

Episode 705

January was a long month without cable.  But it turns out it was a blessing in disguise: if I'd had cable, I may have never met Henry Grubstick. In any case, my month-long roommate and I watched 85 episodes of Ugly Betty (i.e. the entire series) in 16 days.  (I'll let you do the math.) That's all to say that I think I can be considered at least a temporary authority on Ugly Betty.  And because of the number of times daily that I say "That's what she said" with no shame, I'd say I can claim authority on The Office, too.  With that, I'd like to take this opportunity to do a Wilhelmina Slater / Michael Scott comparison.

First, for those of you unfamiliar with these two beloved bosses, let's just do a quick run-down:

Michael Scott:

Food preferences: Awesome Blossom; milk and sugar
Minion: Dwight Schrute, suburban Pennsylvania beet farmer
Wardrobe preferences: Burlington Coat Factory; Casual Friday jeans
Biggest fear: Nothing. (Also, we would have accepted snakes.)

Wilhelmina Slater:

Food preferences: Caviar and champagne
Minion: Mark St. James, trendy Manhattan fashionista
Wardrobe: She can turn a prison jumpsuit into fashion
Biggest fear: Failure

You get my point – these two could not be more different.  But it all comes down to this: Michael Scott's life goal is to be loved. He hates disappointing people and would do anything to be liked.

And the amazing Wilhelmina Slater takes that all down with one line: "I'd rather be hated than inconvenienced." 

So, are you a Michael or a Wilhelmina?  Or both?

Episode 704

Last week, I woke up to the following e-mail from my roommate (who is currently three thousand miles away, and so, not my roommate).

"1) Paul Rudd on Parks and Rec!!!!

2) Up all night best first 30 seconds ever.  Haven't seen the rest because I was so inspired to write."

Now this is the kind of e-mail I want to wake up to in the morning.  While it does indicate that I have not been watching real-time TV, it also indicates that the people who matter most know what matters most. 

And while we're at it, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell anyone I know who used to work for Parks and Recreation that the silent treatment begins now and communication resumes whenever you get me my date with Paul.