Episode 321

As 2009 (and Season 3 of my blog) draws to a close, Top 10 lists seem to be the way to close out the decade. I considered making a top ten of the past ten years of TV, but then I realized that ten years ago "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" was one of my favorite shows, so maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Instead, I have decided to go with:

The Top 10 TV Moments of 2009:
*Note: this will not include such moments as "Kanye drunk stages Taylor", "Oprah says goodbye", "Friday Night Lights announces a new season but it won't air for another year because they just want to make us hate them", etc. While some of these are history-making, others are just awesome.

1) Locke actually is dead. And is Jacob. And our minds are blown. The penultimate season of Lost ends after having redeemed itself with an incredible arc of episodes; the American people realize that 2010 is so close, yet so far away.
2) Jim and Pam get married. This will go down in TV history, and not only because of the brilliant YouTube nod.
3) Glee premieres, creating a completely new television genre, one that incorporates every other amazing aspect of everything else amazing ever (and then Lea Michele sings, sealing the deal).
4) Parks and Recreation hires a new writer's assistant, at which point the show suddenly becomes one of the best on television, thanks mostly to the Andy and Ron moment.
5) Russell finds thee immunity idols on Survivor -- two without any clues -- and re-glorifies the blindside. This might get even crazier by the time the finale airs, but either way proves to us that it's not just Jeff Probst that has made this show last for countless seasons.
6) Dwight and Andy serenade Erin, and then each other, with John Denver in the break room. Musical moments in non-musical shows are, without fail, amazing. (Note: I was hesitant to put two moments of The Office on the list because of the non-world-ending first half of this season, but last night's episode more than made up for it.)
7) Modern Family premieres, reminding us that it is possible to bring back the family sitcom in an age where it's hard to make anything more ridiculous than real-life families.
8) Kevin makes roasted banana, chocolate, and bacon brittle dessert on Top Chef, only to be shot down by the clearly tastebudless judges. All progress Americans have made in the fight against obesity is completely wiped out and we are back to square one. And I'm okay with it.
9) "Legen -- wait for it -- ds of the Fall!" How I Met Your Mother reminds us for the millionth time that its writers are brilliant, almost as brilliant as Neil Patrick Harris.
10) Don Draper dies. Just kidding, I just wanted to be sure you were still reading and I felt bad not putting a Mad Men moment on here.

And while we're on countdowns, 53 DAYS UNTIL LOST RETURNS. 2010, here we come.

Episode 320

There's a new phenomenon spreading through American sitcoms that might be called the anti-Sam and Diane -- or as I would more likely call it, the anti-Dawson and Joey. So many sitcom couples are now happily united with no sign of anything changing in the near future. When it comes down to it, viewers no longer yearn for the will-they-won't-they drama we've been spoon-fed for years. (Side note: I think this is why the whole Jeff and Britta thing on Community isn't taking off.)

As much as we might miss the awkward and perfect flirtations between Jim and Pam, I think we are all much happier after an episode of The Office when there's no drama in the relationship. And now that they're married, we really don't have to worry (pre-marital sex, maybe, but I don't anticipate a divorce). Now we can watch every episode in peace -- that is, if you call watching Michael tell a group of high school seniors that he can't pay for their college education as he had promised "in peace"...

I similarly enjoy an episode of Gossip Girl so much more when there is no tension between Chuck and Blair. Like Jim and Pam, they are so absolutely perfect for each other that even the thought of them not being together makes the viewing experience less enjoyable. Even though Season 1 was by far the best, it was by no means the easiest to watch. And with this economy (yeah, I said it) maybe that's all viewers are looking for.

This tendency is most relevant -- even if subtle -- on How I Met Your Mother. Over the course of four and a half seasons, we have never had to worry about issues in Ted's relationships, because we know he ends up with the right woman, and we know it's not anyone he's dating on the episodes we're watching. So no matter what ridiculous things he does to mess up relationships, there's no tension.

That said, here are my five favorite current television couples - comments welcome!

1) Coach and Tammy (Friday Night Lights)
2) Chuck and Blair (Gossip Girl)
3) Barney and the entire female gender (How I Met Your Mother)
4) Finn and every female viewer ages 14 - 38 (Glee)
5) Jay and Gloria (Modern Family)
*Honorable mention: Don and Betty (Mad Men) -- I don't feel right putting them on the list because I'm not caught up and something tells me it's not going to end well.

Episode 319

I don't intend to blog about Glee every week, but it just might happen. I know TV shows don't get reviewed every time there's a new episode, but Broadway shows get reviewed every time a new one comes out -- and each episode of Glee is kind of like a new mini-Broadway show. Which is why the 98% of the American population that realizes the brilliance of good musical theater loves Glee. Lucky for the other 2%, last night's episode featured an oldie, a song from the Police, and good ol' Bill Withers. If at least one of those three doesn't win you over, there's a problem.

Let's just take a moment or a paragraph to talk about the many perfections of Finn. First of all, have you ever seen a 27-year-old who's supposed to be a 17-year-old look so damn good in a suit? And as if the suit and his tear-jerking rendition of the Pretenders (I know all you Dawson's Creek fans out there were loving that moment) weren't glorious enough, he cries while his (awesome) mom comforts him, making him not only hot and talented, but vulnerable, too. (And by the way, for those three other people in the world who love "I'll Stand by You" as much as I do, you can hear Finn sing the whole thing here.)

Speaking of actors being way older than the characters they're portraying (it's not as extreme here as it is on FNL, but still) - most of Mr. Schu's students are only a few years younger than him in real life. That makes the Rachel-Schu ballad awkwardness a little less awkward, but still brilliantly awkward. For anyone who was fighting against a crush on Mr. Schuster, stubbornly insisting that Finn was their #1 (read: me) this episode's mash-up definitely made you think again. Luckily, People magazine doesn't make us choose.

And one more quick note: Though I did tear up three times during the episode (in order to save face a little, I will not reveal which three moments did it), I absolutely could not find it in myself to feel bad for Quinn when her parents were chewing her out. Yes, that situation sucks in every way, but she will get absolutely no sympathy from me until she comes clean to Finn. Sigh.

Episode 318

Why does everyone love Ellen? Seriously, everyone loves Ellen. I do and you do and I would bet money that the person sitting next to you does, too.

I have never met someone who had an adverse reaction to Ellen. I'm not sure where this unbridled love of a talk-show host comes from -- but I do know that her show is one of few (if not the only) daytime programs that does not leave the viewer depressed about the fact that they are sitting on their butt watching television at three o'clock in the afternoon (think Family Feud, any soap opera, A Baby Story, Maury...I'll stop before you need to go take your meds).

One of my favorite Ellen moments is Dennis Quaid's Starbucks appearance. This is just the tip of the iceberg of proof that Ellen can get anyone to do anything. On top of that, Ellen is not only an Emmy-winning talk show host who can get any guest she wants, she's also a Cover Girl and on the cover of O magazine.

All of this makes her an interesting choice to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol. Yes, she'll easily mimic Paula's constant and unconditional praise of the contestants, but other than that, there is not one similarity between these two women. Maybe that's the idea? At least we can assume -- though you never know -- that there won't be tabloid drama about her and Simon getting it on.

Episode 317

Last night's Glee was definitely the "game-changer" it was hyped up to be. What's fantastic about this show is that it can turn what on any other show would be the sappy volume up to full blast and yet it never becomes cheesy. The whole show -- though dealing with a rather realistic situation -- seems to be steeped in an aura of fantasy. It might have something to do with the fact that the characters just break out into choreographed and well-lit song without anyone around them blinking an eye (don't we all wish that's what life was really like?). But no matter what the reason, there is some sort of glowing bubble surrounding Glee, and this bubble allows the show to do whatever it pleases without any protest from fans.

So when Sue reveals that she, like other normal people, has normal-people things to deal with, we are moved instead of groaning and mumbling about how "Sue would never be like that." Sue can be like whatever she wants to be like, just like Artie can sing an early 80s song while wheel-dancing through the hallways and all we can do is tap our foot to the beat.

Other than this Sue-has-a-heart moment (the second one this season), the other standout of the evening was the Kurt v. Rachel audition storyline. Everyone will be raving -- justly -- about Kurt's emotional rendition of Defying Gravity (definitely worth a viewing or 10), but what truly makes that moment all the more moving -- especially in hindsight if you watch to the end of the episode -- is a surprising post-scene performance by Mike O'Malley. Who knew that the king of the Agro Crag and inspiring host of Get the Picture could put on an inspiring performance (and yes, I'm considering everything he's done since his time on Nick)? Actually, his character, along with his acting, was a surprise from the very beginning -- I don't think anyone was expecting a supportive dad out of this guy. But once again, on Glee, anything's possible.

Episode 316

As someone who attempts to write about television on a regular basis, I massively appreciate it when I read a great article about a TV show. I'm not talking about semi-witty yet bantering, superficial analyses on Joe Schmoe's blog (ahem), I am talking about real, insightful, and moving TV writing.

People Magazine's weekly mini-blurbs about upcoming new sitcoms or important series finales keep me entertained for sure. But writing about TV -- and doing it well -- is hard. It's just easier and much more fun to watch television than it is to read. So why would someone read about their favorite show when they could just sit down and decide for themselves? The only way to draw people into TV in writing is by being...perfect.

A recent article in Time magazine, passed on to me by my non-FNL watching sister, is the definition of this perfect television writing. James Poniewozik (please don't google him or you will find his TV blog which is incredibly more interesting than mine) brings the emotion of Friday Night Lights to the written word. Through pithy yet dead-on analyses of the complex characters and comparisons to other television, current and past, he shows why Friday Night Lights can turn any viewer into a fan of heroes without tragic flaws, a fan of high school dramas, and even a fan of football.

Episode 315

A favorite word among grad students is "intertextuality". One work never influences another work, there is just a strong presence of intertextuality. Well, it turns out that literature and academic scholarship do have have something in common with television (gasp!).

Intertextuality in TV has been all over my screen recently. Having finally started Mad Men (more to come on that later, I'm sure) who do I see in the first few episodes, but Pam's New York friend on The Office. And then last night, I noticed the guidance counselor from Glee as a possible love interest for Ted on How I Met Your Mother. This is not to mention more extended roles like Julie from Friday Night Lights' appearance on the new 90210.

And talk about TV casts taking on other roles: basically the entire gang (dead and alive) from LOST can be found in new dramas on ABC. And then there's the ubiquitous Freaks and Geeks/ Undeclared crowd that somehow find their way into nearly every episode of every sitcom ever produced, for good reason.

What's fantastic about this is that we all -- without a doubt -- enjoy watching a new character on a beloved TV show much more when we already know that actor from somewhere else. How many times have you said, "Hey, that's __________ from __________!" instead of being either completely indifferent or annoyed that they're introducing new characters?

Case in point: The other day, when I received this link, instead of thinking "why is my Vermonter friend sending me videos of horse racing?", I exclaimed "Hey, that's....what she said!"

Episode 314

There are a lot of things that happen on television that don't happen in real life (no need to list every single thing Michael Scott has ever done). But there is one thing that is so prevalent on TV and so seemingly natural on screen that it is spiraling out of control: on television, when someone has to tell someone something -- anything -- person one just goes to person two's house.

Exhibit A: Have you ever seen Coach Taylor on FNL pick up the phone when he has to whip Tim Riggins into shape or apologize to an angry parent? No, he just marches right on over to that person's house, sweet talks them with his sexy accent and then asks, "You u'erstand me?" Done and done, no need to use semi-modern technology.

It becomes even more ridiculous when it requires more than simply getting in the car and driving five minutes across town in order to complete these visits. Think about Joey and Dawson. Every time Joey climbed up that ladder, she had to have paddled all the way down the creek in her little canoe first. She very well could have just sent Dawson an e-mail (although this would have foiled her apparent plan to be as obnoxious as possible) but she chose to go straight over to his house and pull the old Clarissa Explains it All.

And finally, the most recent, and perhaps the most exaggerated house visit of all, is on Gossip Girl. How many times has Serena gone all the way from the Upper East Side to Brooklyn to tell Dan about something really unimportant? And then he gives her 'tude and she says "you know, nevermind, I shouldn't have even come..." and leaves. Um, 1) Duh. You could have just texted, we know you know how; 2) You're seriously going to come all the way to Brooklyn and then just turn around because some guy in a skinny tie gives you lip?

Now I know that Coach Taylor is a southern gentleman, and that Joey lives on the wrong side of the creek, and that Brooklyn is so much more rockin' than Manhattan (you just wouldn't understand), but come on people, welcome to the 21st century.

Episode 313

I am well aware that the majority of people watching the new 90210 were not old enough, or even alive enough, to watch the original. But what I learned last night was that I am officially not of the same generation of the new West Bev gang. Dixon, a high schooler, is dating a girl, Sasha, who is a few years out of college, like yours truly. He's upset that he always has to go to her place and she responds that she doesn't want to go in public or people will talk, and she won't go to his parents' place because, and I quote, "I am not sneaking in the window, Katie Holmes-style". Dixon then proceeds to completely NOT get the reference.

Does this mean that, while it would be semi-acceptable to date a seventeen-year-old guy, I would absolutely not be able to watch the same television shows as him? Maybe. More importantly, what this means is that the people writing for the new 90210 are of the Dawson's Creek generation. This is somewhere between totally awesome and really depressing. I write a blog about television and people my age actually write that same television. Although, people my age also have 14 Olympic gold medals.

Episode 312

If we can all suspend disbelief for a moment here, let's just say that CNN.com reports news stories (though we have all known for a very long time that this is untrue). What I discovered today is that -- if CNN.com is a news website -- we are better off getting our news from The Office. This incredible program has been on American airwaves since 2005 (and Office Space -- a screen shot from which they use in the article! -- was six years before that) and just now CNN is reporting the premise of this show under the category of "Latest News". Latest news! "Four Obnoxious Attitudes in the Office" is the title of the article, and the four categories delineated are "the suck-up", "the naysayer", "the drama queen", and "the star of the show". Yes, these categories would have better been labeled as "Dwight/Andy", "Stanley", "Kelly", and "Michael", but that's not even my beef. Label it as you may, THIS IS NOT NEWS. This is -- if it's anything at all -- really good TV.

And in this really good TV, the office does not, as the author of this article claims, "lack an open bar and a karaoke machine". Kudos to the Scranton branch for finally laying that myth to rest.

Episode 311

If you have fifteen minutes to spare, stop reading this entry and go to this site immediately. There, you will find a quiz in which you are asked to name the titles of the shows that accompany the top 100 television episodes of all time, according to TV Guide.

The first time I did it, I had the embarrassing showing of only being able to name 40 shows. It was not a good moment for me, I'll tell you that much. BUT -- without looking at the ones I missed, I let a day pass and took it again just now and I came up with 65. (I also missed 9 of the shows I had originally named the first time, so I am going to reward myself with a grand total of 74 -- you can judge me as you wish for skewing the results.) And as much as I hate to give you an automatic answer in case you try, but I think we can fairly say I named 74 out of 99, because one of the top 100 episodes comes from the GILMORE GIRLS (wtf) which I clearly was not going to type in as having made TV history.

Oh, and did I mention that by having fifteen free minutes, I meant five hours and fifteen minutes because you will inevitably get dragged into all of the other amazing quizzes on the site? Sorry, I probably should have mentioned that before you clicked.

Episode 310

Watch this.

Then watch this.

If ever there were a time to say OMG, now would be it.

OMG.

Now, depending on how thoroughly embarrassed you are for crying at work/school/with no one else around, you can watch this to dry the tears. So good. Just so good.

Episode 309

There is something severely fun about going to restaurants whose reviews you've read, either in a newspaper, a magazine, or online. Not only does it give you more reason to go, but while you're there, you can have stimulating dinner conversation about "this article I read" about the place. Suddenly, you transform from average diner into locale connoisseur.

Even more exciting, though, is going to a restaurant you've seen on TV.

The summer show The Best Thing I Ever Ate was absolutely incredible. Let's just put it this way: when Guy Fieri tells you what the best burger he ever ate was, you're just going to have to eat it. You have no other option. I mean, I even wanted to eat a plateful of shrimp heads after hearing it described by Duff. Unfortunately, most of the places featured are in New York or down south because that's where all the Food Network personalities are from, but I did go to Bi-Rite to get Sam's Sundae (items in picture are larger than they appear), and it was even better than it sounded.

The other day, I went to Tom Colicchio (head judge on Top Chef)'s sandwich place in San Francisco. Five years ago, people didn't know who Tom Colicchio was. Now, people (read: me) eat at his restaurants just so they can say they ate at "that Top Chef guy's" restuarant. And that's why it pays -- literally -- to be a TV personality.

If you're into food and you're into television, which should be the case for every breathing human, definitely read this article: It's long, and I hate it when people send me long articles and then I feel obliged to read them instead of watching TV, but it's definitely worth it, so please feel obliged.

Episode 308

Somebody on Survivor found the immunity idol before the presence of an immunity idol had even been announced. Television, particularly of the reality variety, has become so predictable that by watching, future contestants can now beat the system before the system is even there. So Russell, your typical Survivor d-bag, sticks his hand up a tree and finds the immunity idol within about five minutes of starting the search. Kind of anti-climatic.

In an era of such predictable TV -- so predictable that even the people on the show know what's coming next -- Modern Family, another fantastic new sitcom this fall, is a breath of fresh air. I highly recommend watching the whole thing: it will be the best 21 minutes and 35 seconds of your week, guaranteed; but if you're too busy to watch TV (i.e. you're a condescending grad student), just watch this short -- and absolutely perfect -- clip. Out of context, but still worth it.

I'm assuming this was intentional, but it's kind of like the new generation of Arrested Development. It's relatively more normal (relatively being the key word) and a little less subtle, at least at this point, but it's got that same these-people-are-jackasses-but-you-love-them-even-more-for-it kind of feel. Since being just too over the top got Arrested Development prematurely canceled, the slightly more human characters of Modern Family might make this a keeper not only for the viewers, but for the networks, too.

Episode 307

Project Runway has been having a great season so far. The designers seem to be, as a whole, much more talented than in past years. The move from New York to L.A. is a little disappointing, and I am missing Michael Kors, but other than that, I've been impressed.

No matter the season, though, what I -- and I have to assume most viewers -- love most about Project Runway is Tim Gunn. And recently, someone brilliant has created just what the fashion industry needs: a Tim Gunn superhero. I do realize how ridiculous this is, but in a world where Stacy London and Clinton Kelly are the closest thing we have to fashion superheroes, Tim Gunn is desperately needed.

Sometimes, when I'm down and don't know who to turn to, I kind of wish Tim Gunn would suddenly appear and just say "Talk to me...". If Tim Gunn were a superhero (which he is now) his super power would be to always be right...brutal, but always right.

Episode 306

Despite the incredible array of new shows that began last week, despite having watched Community three times in 36 hours, despite The Office's magnificent return, despite spending the weekend with a friend who appeared in the credits of Parks and Recreation (which is by far the coolest thing any of my friends have ever done, sorry to everyone else), despite Survivor already having me hooked after only one episode, despite the fact that the Emmys were this weekend...there is still something much more urgent to discuss.

DREW CAREY IS THE WORST GAME SHOW HOST EVER.

Yes, Drew Carey has officially surpassed Howie Mandel and Alex Trebek. I realize that it is difficult to replace such a legend as Bob Barker, but come on, people. Let's be honest, The Price is Right is not a very exhilarating game -- even more of the magic was lost when I saw it in person and the room was smaller than my high school auditorium. Like on most game shows, the host is the only one who can create true excitement. It should not be the contestants' responsibility. Bob Barker could make anything suspenseful and interesting. Even the people winning the cars aren't excited when it's announced by Drew Carey. I literally hate it so much that I refuse to even try to find a clip to link to. It's better this way, trust me.

Case in point: John O'Hurley (who apparently was Drew Carey's competition for The Price is Right and for some inexplicable reason did not get it). He hosts another extremely cheesy and washed out game show (Family Feud), but he makes it exciting: the hand holding, the quick wit, the relatability, it's all there. Oh, and additionally, unlike Drew Carey, John O'Hurley does not have a new pedophile haircut. As if grooming himself to look like Michael Moore will make him less annoying.

Episode 305

A new show on the CW, Vampire Diaries, recently caught my attention when I heard it described as "Dawson's Creek meets Twilight". Well, what could be better? Unless Paul Rudd were involved, I don't think this idea could be improved upon at all.

And then I watched the trailer.

So it turns out that by "Dawson's Creek meets Twilight" they meant "Twilight aired on the network that happened to also air Dawson's Creek." This trailer could have been played out with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, and I literally wouldn't have batted an eye, except to wonder why Twilight was now a TV series.

Thanks CW, but I think I'll stick with Gossip Girl. That's more like Dawson's Creek meets crack cocaine.

Episode 304

Gossip Girl is such a beautiful show that I could literally watch it on mute and would probably enjoy it almost as much -- just for the aesthetics. I say "almost" because the drama -- and their beautiful voices -- are just too good. But honestly, the characters' Upper East Side outfits, Blair's lips, Serena's hair, Chuck's eyes, their impeccably decorated houses, the stunning jewelry, even just the bricks in the courtyard of the school: I just want to be immersed in a world that is so beautiful. This is how some people may feel about poetry; it's how I feel about Gossip Girl.

Episode 303

How I Met Your Mother is the exception to the rule. Actually it is the exception to several rules:

RULES:
1) Sitcoms about groups of twenty- or thirtysomethings friends will never live up to the original.
2) Any TV show made post-90s starring Bob Saget must suck.
3) Jason Segel is always the funniest person in a room.

The key to this super-smart comedy is, of course, Neil Patrick Harris. Come to think of it, there's another rule/exception:

4) Child actors from late 80s TV shows cannot under any circumstances become successful and actually talented actors.

Every brilliant comedy seems to have one character who is, well, abnormal. Think about it: Dwight, Tracy Jordan, Buster, Screech, the list goes on. But what Neil Patrick Harris (along with the writers) does is create that abnormality without portraying a character who is clearly missing a few brain cells. Thus, I love Barney, and for some unknown reason, so do hundreds of other women.

Episode 302

Television can be stressful. Take September 17 please, for example (by the way, if you're not picking up my references to The Office, it's time to start re-watching old episodes). Oh, by the way, OH MY GOD.

On September 17, the following television shows need to be watched primetime: Survivor, Parks and Recreation, The Office, Community -- are we feeling stressed yet? --The Jay Leno Show, Project Runway. Not bad for a 2.5 hour time slot. But that's just September 17. We can't forget about shows that start later, or happen to not be on Thursday nights: 30 Rock, Top Chef, Glee, So You Think You Can Dance, The Next Iron Chef, How I Met Your Mother, 90210.

I may -- may -- just be counting my lucky stars that LOST doesn't start again until 2010.

P.S. I know that I'm not dedicated enough since I don't watch True Blood, Mad Men, blah blah blah, but there are only so many brain cells a girl can lose. I need to save some for the rest of the Twilight series.

Episode 301

After three weeks without television (yes, it's true - but reading Confessions of a Shopaholic and Twilight is such a brainless activity that it qualifies as TV, right?), I feel like it wouldn't be fair to try to jump right back in with a post on a show that I haven't been consistently watching. So, I will start with commercials. As most of you probably know, I absolutely love the Sonic commercials, which I was only introduced to upon my relocation to the alien world of California. The first one I ever saw still has me cracking up every time I think about it -- it just drives me...you'll see: just watch.

I just recently saw another version, equally as brilliant. This one, though maybe not as laugh-out-loud funny, really hit home and made me realize that people writing for TV are just normal (read: abnormal) people like you and me, who used weird mnemonic devices to help them remember their locker combinations. Yet somehow these genius writers are still at it with the Sonic commercials, while some really untalented people have made it to prime time with My Boys (for example).

This newest Sonic commercial may be most appealing to the Saved by the Bell generation, when lockers were for cool kids (locks, though, not so much, but we can ignore that for right now). And since I brought up Saved by the Bell (on purpose), I would just like to take this opportunity to announce that you are reading a blog about TV by someone whose commentaries on TV have recently been published in one of the most widely read publications in the U.S.: People Magazine (yes, in the MailBag section, but still, can you imagine how many people send in letters each week?!) So even though only about 10 people will read this entry, 3.75 million people will know how I feel about Saved by the Bell.

Episode 2.501

After yet another long break, I begin Season 2.5, which will be precisely one episode long (unless of course something drastic happens on The Bachelorette finale). I feel like LOST, with really short seasons and really long breaks. Now that I think about it, that would be a good excuse not to write again until 2010. In any case, I will make this entry a bit longer to make up for it. And of course, I will return for Season 3 in the fall -- I imagine that NBC's spectacular fall line-up will give me plenty of material.

I learned on my hiatus that you can now watch television on the plane. I knew that you could watch pre-prepared TV on those little screens that the cooler airlines have, but I had no idea that you could actually watch satellite TV. I often bemoan flying primetime because I know I'll be missing my shows, but apparently that's no longer a problem. So, for those of you who thought that I might -- dare I say it -- read on the plane, you were wrong.

Instead, I watched reality TV. And for you haters of reality television, I finally found something that will change your mind. I am not talking about Fox's "More to Love" where they are showing that even fuller-figured people have the right to find love on national television (but not ugly people, apparently). Instead, the revolutionary moment came with this week's episode of Top Chef Masters, which was downright feel-good reality television. That might sounds like an oxymoron, but hear me out.

Not only were tears of joy shed (as opposed to tears of embarassment, heartbreak, and pure anger that are common to most reality TV), but the contestants looked out for and supported each other -- instead of sabotage (sandwich?), when it came time to choose the other chefs' ingredients, the contestants picked out only the finest. And they did it with heart. To top it all off the judges were...wait for it...really nice. For anyone who has ever watched even 5 seconds of Chopped, we know that condescending and crazy-ass psycho judges are common, especially in food-related reality shows.

Granted, a show where people are playing for charity -- as opposed to doing it out of greed, mental illness, and/or desire for fame -- allows for the possibility of this outpouring of happy reality. But the previous five episodes of the show were nothing like this week's: even people playing for charity usually still have the cross-me-and-I'll-kill-you drive to win.

Try watching this episode immediately after watching Paris Hilton's My New BFF and the normalcy of it all becomes even more overwhelming. No really, all you reality TV haters, try it. I dare you.

Episode 222

I haven't had time to devote to the blog recently, but I have a good excuse: TV. Since my last post, I watched the first half of Season 1 of the original Beverly Hills, 90210 and the first eight episodes of Gossip Girl. Now, while I wait for discs 3 and 4 of GG on Netflix, I write.

Watching these two shows back to back is pretty fascinating. The parallels are never-ending, but the one notable discrepancy is that in the 90s, the dorky cute guy had not yet made an appearance in teen soaps. So while we have the Brandon/Nate and Dylan/Chuck parallels, GG's Dan is definitely a character of the 2000s. Although something tells me Chuck wouldn't be caught dead wearing overalls with one strap undone. Only Luke Perry can pull that off.

The development from 90210 and the rest of its cohort to Gossip Girl (with Dawson's Creek somewhere in between) is crazy. What people thought was scandalous in 1990 isn't even a blip on the radar in 2009. Yet the people who create these teen soaps manage to continue to push the envelope...and it is awesome. But I definitely won't ever let my children watch television.

Episode 221

Good news! Top Chef has come to its senses -- at least for this season -- and no longer employs Padma, the worst television host in history, second only to you-know-who. Do you really want this person hosting a show that is supposed to display actual culinary expertise?

And as the new season of The Next Food Network Star has begun, I remember why it works, even though it's cheesy. In Top Chef, it's a bunch of people who can cook, but most of whom are total d-bags or really bitchy -- so it's fun to watch, but for the wrong reasons. The Next Food Network Star is fun in a less conscience-gripping way, because the people are actually pleasant, for the most part. Moral of the story: Fabio should have chosen The Food Network, not Bravo.

Episode 220

I just experienced the best 9 minutes and 31 seconds of my summer. It's too bad it will all be downhill from here, but it was worth it. Zack Morris makes an appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and it is absolute brilliance.

There is a small group of people that actually know exactly what Zack Morris is talking about throughout that whole interview (I particularly liked his shout-out to growing up in Indiana and then moving to California with his two best friends...and his principal). I'm going to estimate this group as those who were born between the years 1980 and 1986 (if you have any objections, let me know). This is particularly the most loyal fans, those who followed "the gang" through Jr. High, high school, college, and all of the various summer, wedding, and vacation specials. I mean, how many different island babes will Slater date before he finds the right one?

And apropos to my most recent post, I like that Zack hasn't forgotten his 1502 SAT score that made him Stansbury material...the Harvard of the West. You'd think that's the kind of thing they only say on sitcoms. You'd be wrong.

Episode 219

The entire significance behind my blog has suddenly been undermined. This blog was born out of spite for the many pretentious Stanford people who scoffed at the fact that I had time to watch television. But now I am realizing that even television itself has a idealized vision of Stanford.

Both DJ Tanner and Jessie Spano want nothing else their senior year except to attend [gasp] Stanford University. That's the problem with these west-coast set sitcoms, they act as though Stanford is all that exists. I know for a fact that none of the Dawson's Creekers (not even "I'm fourth" Joey) even thought about going to Stanford, and something tells me that the Gossip Girl kids haven't either: normal east coast people would much rather be an English major at NYU than a d-bag major* at Stanford.

Moral of the story, Stanford is so early 90s. Let's move on, people. 30 Rock has the right idea.

*Disclaimer: I refer only to the graduate degree of d-bag; I can't speak for the undergrads.

Episode 218

So many things about Jeopardy annoy me. For example, all of the contestants. Another example: Alex Trebek. Within the Alex Trebek category, it annoys me how he is the only person who could sound pretentious simply reading category titles, how he pronounces the word genre as if it were a French word that had not been commonly adopted into the English language, and how he tells contestants that they would have know the answer "if only you had been to [fill in wannabe-world-traveler location here] recently."

What really get me the most though -- and this is a tough contest because it all makes me so mad -- are the absolutely ridiculous stories the contestants tell after the first commercial break when they are introducing themselves. It usually goes something like this:

Alex: So, I see here that you one time encountered a sticky situation on vacation...?

Annoying contestant: Yes, I was on vacation with my family and we rented a boat, but after we docked it at a remote island, we realized we didn't know how to turn it back on. So we were stuck for a while.

Alex: Well, you'll never make that mistake again...

Have you ever read anything more horrifically boring in your life? I'm not sure what exactly is going on behind the scenes at Jeopardy but it seems like they give all the contestants a form to fill out that just says: "Please list here the five most uninteresting things that have ever happened to you" and then they choose the least relatable of all the stories. Add in a dose of Alex Trebek trying to deliver some wit and... there you have it.

Episode 217

Last Monday was a bad night for Jason Mesnick, famed wrong-choice Bachelor. Melissa, who took the runner-up spot after Jason changed his mind, earned the title of sexiest woman in America by performing the most incredible and mind-blowing moves on Dancing With the Stars (somehow Shawn the Chipmunk Johnson won the actual title but that's irrelevant). Then, immediately after, Jillian, second runner up, had thirty men fighting over her on the new season of The Bachelorette. And Jason is left watching it all on TV with Molly. By the way, if you type Molly into a google search, Molly Malaney (Jason's choice) comes up first. Before Molly Ringwald. This is weird.

Episode 216

Finishing out finale week last week was the 3-hour Survivor event on Sunday night. For the first time ever Jeff Probst was blindsided, and by Coach*, no less. Coach -- famed for his campfire stories (very much worth the 3 min. 18 sec.) -- took a lie detector test to prove to Jeff that he was not making it all up: everything was true, from the midget natives to his bleeding canoe-paddling hands. WHERE do they find these people?

And don't fear, the legacy continues: Season 19 begins in the fall.

*Yes, he went by Coach (he's a high school soccer coach, so that's totally reasonable...) and yes, when everyone else had their mothers and husbands and girlfriends come to visit as part of a reward challenge, Coach invited the person he was closest to as well: HIS ASSISTANT COACH.  Sorry, did I mention it's high school soccer?  Just checking.

Episode 215

Well, the Ringling Bros. just lost the title of The Greatest Show on Earth because last night American Idol put on the most amazing performance that rocked everyone's world, no matter who you are, or what kind of television you despise.

No big deal, let's just get Cindy Lauper, Lionel Richie, and Rod Stewart to come out and sing with our contestants. You're more into a newer, hipper sound? Fine -- Black Eyed Peas, Jason Mraz and Lady Gaga will perform. And don't forget, we need to have Kiss come, just to be totally shown up by Adam Lambert. And let's just throw some randoms in there: Keith Urban and Carlos Santana. Not satisfied? Okay okay, we'll have the two finalists sing "We Are the Champions" to sappily close the show...oh, and we'll just have Queen join them...totally normal.

And for those of you who are still convinced that there was nothing for you: STEVE MARTIN PLAYING THE FREAKIN' BANJO.

American Idol is truly the most American of all American things and last night's finale proved that beyond belief. Further evidence: nearly 100 million people voted to choose the winner. Just over 120 million people voted in the most recent presidential election. I don't know if that's depressing or amazing, but wow.

Episode 214

Last night was the series premiere of Glee, the best idea ever. I cannot yet dub it the best television show ever (though the potential is there) but it is definitely the best idea ever. Somebody was sitting around, trying to come up with a pilot, and they thought: "Hey, I know! Let's combine the three best things that have ever existed in the entire world: television, musicals, and teenage drama!" The result: absolute perfection.

The absurdity of five high-schoolers brilliantly belting out Journey while the 90210-wannabe teacher looks on with a glimmer in his eye was one of the best moments I've had all week.

Oddly, the next new episode won't come until the fall, but I'm one for delayed gratification (that's what she said) and I think that it will be well worth the wait. If you missed the premiere, you can watch it online over and over and over until the fall. Between this and "Community" (thanks to Swank for that tip-off), as well as the return of all of our old favorites (no cancellations!), I think Fall 2010 will be one of the best seasons ever.

Episode 213

I think it might be futile to post any of my theories about LOST -- as brilliant as they are -- after the mind-blowing season finale. There's a time and place for that kind of thing: and it's called "all the time" and "Lostpedia."

One thing I would like to comment on, however, is how well TV producers/directors/writers (I don't know who's actually in charge) know their audiences. We have been anxiously waiting to find out the fates of Bernard and Rose and nothing, I repeat nothing, was going to satisfy us. They can't be dead, or we'd cry. They can't be alive and still on the island, or we'd cry. They can't be alive and off the island, because Rose would then be dying of cancer and... we'd cry.

Well, they found the loophole (LOST pun intended). They are alive, and they are on the island... but they're HAPPY.  That's all we wanted.  (And yes, I cried.)   If only Sawyer hadn't ruined the whole moment by looking at Kate instead of Juliet. WTF, Sawyer? Is Juliet just your Karen Filipelli? So uncool. I know Kate looks super hot when she's all sweaty, but you need to grow a pair.

P.S. I know I'm a day behind on finale week, but I am so traumatized by the fact that Jim and Pam are having premarital sex that I'm not quite ready to blog about it.

Episode 212

Vindicated! Not only has the word Middlebury emanated from the brilliant Alec Baldwin's mouth, but it was done so with true Middlebury pride (minute 13:25). Of course there is someone writing for 30 Rock who is a Midd alum (since this is the second time it's happened), but that is completely irrelevant because guess what world, MIDDLEBURY IS AWESOME. I might be a little more bitter about this than the next guy, considering I currently attend Middlebury's west-coast peer, but if anyone ever again asks me if Vermont is near New York, I will know in my heart of hearts that at least in TV Land, we are appreciated.

And although I hate linking academic things to television, I am too excited about this not to post it: a book being published on 30 Rock and philosophy.  Maybe the academic world does have some spunk after all.  As I said in my first post, television can teach us more than anything else.  I encourage you all to submit to the CFP -- and it's a real thing, I swear -- I'm just sorry I missed this one.

Episode 211

This is even too much for me.

The official sign of the apocalypse.

Episode 210

Comcast just upgraded their system with some sort of "migration" -- all very complicated, but after having connected my new spiffy equipment all by myself (I'm thinking of quitting school and becoming an electrician) we now have the new on-screen guide. What does this mean? No more channel surfing! The awesomeness of not having to channel surf is twofold: 1) my brain doesn't explode from hearing .8 second sound bites all at different volumes and in different languages and 2) I realize sooner that nothing is on, so I can just pick the "Oh, I've been meaning to watch that" show right off the bat.

Last night, that show was My Boys. I had actually been pretty intrigued from the previews, but had never gotten around to watching it. Last night was the night, and it was quite weird. It reminded me a bit of that new show Roommates on ABC Family, because they both unsuccessfully aspire to be the new Friends.  But Roommates is somewhat funny, in a you-laugh-because-you-feel-like-you-should kind of way.  My Boys, however, just falls completely flat. See for yourself.

What's the problem? No laugh track. In an age where non-laugh-track shows are the highest rated, a lot of new shows have decided to follow suit. The problem is, when there's no laugh track, the show has to be funny. If your show isn't funny, put a laugh track in, and people will be forced to laugh, or at least imagine that they're laughing (read: Roommates). If your show is not funny and there's no laugh track, it's just painful. It's like sitting in a room of people and someone makes a bad joke and instead of laughing out of discomfort, everyone just sits there in silence, making it even more uncomfortable.

Episode 209

All of the original 90210 characters are making their way back to the new version, and I find myself having to Wikipedia the plot-lines so I have any clue what's going on. So, I have decided that this summer, I will make it my priority to watch the original series (10 seasons). The original was actually one of the few shows I wasn't allowed to watch as a kid (good call, Mom). Now that I have (too much) control over what I watch, it must be done. However, watching one trashy teen soap inevitably means watching many. So, I have compiled a list of the top three other trashy teen soaps that I need to watch -- in their entirety -- this summer: 1) My So-Called Life, 2) Party of Five, 3) Gossip Girl. If anyone disagrees about those choices, speak now or forever hold your peace.

P.S. For those of you who aren't caught up yet on the new series, don't fear, one of the characters has suddenly been diagnosed with bipolar disorder after one episode's worth of manic episodes (no pun intended?) So, in case you thought Dawson's Creek and Friday Night Lights had a monopoly on suddenly-bipolar characters, think again.

Episode 208

Last week on Survivor, the glorious "blindside" occurred yet again.  This is just another example of television reclaiming words that no one uses.  Have you ever heard the word blindside used to describe anything other than a super crafty immunity idol-inspired move on Survivor?  I doubt it.  Also re-coined on Survivor are such piratical terms as "mutiny".  Other than in Catch Phrase, that word is never, ever used in normal people life.  

By the way, this is funny, particularly the title.

Episode 207

I just got a tip from one of my insiders. And I quote: "I don't know if this is a potential story for your blog, but I just saw a Toaster Strudel commercial starring Walt from Lost, and he wasn't even one of the main characters in the commercial. See what happens when you hit puberty? Toaster strudels. That's what."

Seeing Walt in toaster strudel commercials makes the whole him-standing-over-Locke-in-the-ditch thing a lot less creepy. It's kind of like seeing the ads for that new show The Unusuals that stars Michael from LOST...during LOST. You're like, well, I guess I don't have to worry about him creepily coming back to life and sneaking out of a janitor's closet again...?

This also makes me think of all of those awesome washed-up stars we love to love. Lucky for them (read: Jodi Sweetin), People magazine exists, so they can still be famous just for being drug addicts or teenage parents.

Episode 206

Television often takes creative license. Usually, only avid watchers will notice the discrepancies that arise, but sometimes it's just plain obvious:

Take Uncle Jesse, please. In the first season, his last name is Cochran. For the rest of the show, it's Katsopolis. (Ok, really important side note: I just went to Wikipedia to check the spellings on those, and found the absolute most amazing Wikipedia entry ever. So hysterical on so many levels. Please take a minute or two to read this while I dry my tears from laughing so hard. And to top it all off, at the very top it warns: "This article or section has multiple issues").

For a more recent example, what on earth is happening with the characters' ages on Friday Night Lights? I've already talked about the weirdness of a 30 year-old playing an 17-year old, but now the age-crisis is exploding: Matt is graduating high school but Julie is only a senior. So is Landry. Lyla and Tim turn out to be two years younger than Jason, yet they've all been best friends since "we played pee-wee football together" -- yeah, don't you remember Tim? They let the 1st graders play with the nursery school kids.

Do I even have to mention Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince? Um, yeah, that's two completely different people playing her. Hearkens back to the double-trouble Dicks on Bewitched. Similar story with Pacey's high school crush from Seasons 1 and 2, who makes a random appearance in the finale...but wait, it's a different actress! Why bring back the character if you can't even get the same girl to play the part?!

While these obvious changes are noticed by all, it's fun to watch for the subtle inconsistencies. Keep your eye out.

Episode 205

Someone asked me the other day why (ON EARTH?!) I don't watch the original British version of The Office. My answer was that I didn't want anything to taint my view of The Office -- I know that some of the jokes are taken from the original and that a handful of the characters and situations are mimicked quite closely. But just like a joke is never as funny the second time you hear it (that's what she said?), I fear that The Office won't be quite as funny if it already feels familiar.

I know that many people watch both versions, and still find it equally funny. Unfortunately for me, I'm not those people. This was confirmed last night when I was watching the premier of the spin-off-but-not-really of The Office, Parks and Recreation. I actually thought it was pretty funny, but it would have been significantly more funny if I'd never seen an episode of The Office. I mean, the jokes were good, the chemistry was wonderfully awkward, but most of it had been done before. It was like watching a rerun of The Office...which is great, but not what you want the first time you see an episode.

In other news, I can't wait to watch Season 5 reruns of The Office. Pure brilliance through and through.

Episode 204

My aforementioned swanky L.A. friend did some investigative work (yes, there are people out there who watch as much [read: more] TV as me) and found this. The first and last on the list are my favorites, though the whole thing is pretty amazing. It's kind of like fuckyoupenguin, but for TV sitcoms. And just one time, which is sad.

That Top 7 really gets to the center of a lot of what is superbly creepy about sitcoms, particularly those running in the late 80s and early 90s. So many things were just wrong about the way those people comported themselves.

I mean, Bayside High? Can you imagine how many favoritism/pedophile lawsuits they could have had on their hands? I mean, despite the fact that they all hung out in Mr. Belding's office all the time, Zack and the gang were essentially the core members of the glee club, the prom committee (and featured band!), the student council, every class at the school, the awesome "No Hope with Dope" commercial... let me just put it this way: I'm really glad I wasn't Christy Barnes. Due to lack of participating in extra-curricular activities and/or going to classes, she probably didn't get into any colleges. Including Stansbury.

Episode 203

I was actually sans cable and sans-antennae for the first 6 months or so of living out in sunny CA. It had nothing to do with it being sunny here -- as we know, the weather should not affect the amount of time one spends watching television -- but having just returned from the land of bad dubbing, I had already passed my TV withdrawal phase and was content with DVDs.

During these months, I watched all six seasons of Dawson's Creek in chronological order (not the first time I'd done it, and certainly not the last) and re-watched every episode of The Office (Seasons 1-3) over and over...and over. When I was eating lunch, I couldn't just turn on the tube for 20 minutes and see what was on -- instead, I'd pop in a DVD, and inevitably get sucked into watching more than one episode.

I don't think it's television that gets people into television. Personally, most of what I watch on TV real-time is complete crap (in a good way). It's the possibility of watching television in marathon form that really creates a true TV obsession. Even before the age of DVDs and TiVo, it was re-runs that allowed us to do that. We can all quote every line of every episode of Saved by the Bell (right?), but that's not because we have creepy, robotic memories. It's because we watch(ed) the re-runs.

Imagine if we could only see each episode of a show one time. Life would be so much more annoying.  And "Tuna, are you kidding me?!" might not mean anything to anyone.

N.B. Just so I don't get any harassment, I'm not going to promise a daily posting this season. I'll do my best, but until I have more readers than days in the week, I might have to downsize.

Episode 202

I have already had several complaints/questions about yesterday's post, so I am here to clear the air (on a Saturday, no less).

Think back on the Dinner Party episode of The Office. Such high expectations for a glorious return from the strike, and it turned out to be an abominable disappointment (except, of course, for the Dawson's Creek shout out). The next time I am wont to complain about a bad episode of a favorite show, I will recall this misstep on my part.

This does not mean, however, that I am not proud of identifying the Home Improvement pilot. Come on, how awesome is that?

Episode 201

After a nearly month-long break, I feel like it's new season time in blog years. After all, 23 episodes is significantly longer than most first seasons, so I begin again with Season 2, after a not-so-nail-biting cliffhanger.

In line with this theme of beginnings, I want to share an anecdote from last week, something for which I am overly proud and want to broadcast to the world.

I was flipping through the channels, unable to decide if Ted Allen's Food Detectives was enough to pique my interest. I came across Home Improvement and started watching. I never followed Home Improvement, but it without fail always makes me laugh. Anyway, the little guy (don't know his name) was super young and Tim was trying to show him how to repair the dishwasher. Everything was going wrong, naturally, and then Tim got an electrical burn and they did a little dance.

I said: "I bet this is the pilot." I just knew it -- over the top Tim-being-an-idiot, the kid being ridiculously young, and Tim actually doing some sort of "home improvement" which, based on the handful of episodes I've seen, doesn't actually happen that often. Of course, I IMdB-ed it and it turns out I was right.

Aside from being unreasonably excited about this educated guess, it made me think about all of the pilot episodes of all of my favorite shows. I don't have anything insightful to say about them, and I'm feeling pressure from a certain someone's significant other, so I'm cutting off the post here and saying here you go, sir, please don't hate me!

Episode 123

In an era of Reality TV (not complaining), it's really refreshing to watch character-based shows. I'm sure there's a more technical term for this (Charlie, help me out here), but I'm talking about shows that, in order to keep viewers interested, don't rely on plot points but on the characters. This can often be a simple distinction between dramas (plot-based) and comedies (character-based). But there are certain shows whose characters are so brilliant that it doesn't matter what they do, as long as it's in character.

As if you couldn't already guess, I'm thinking of Michael Scott. The cold open of last week's episode was one of the most hysterical moments we've seen in recent The Office history. Why? Because it was just Michael being Michael. Absolutely nothing happened, yet it was tear-jerkingly funny.

Think about Seinfeld, the show about nothing. One of the most brilliant TV shows ever written, and it is based 100% off of character. Anyway, these are often the best shows: with the tiny attention spans we all have, it's sometimes nice not have to wonder "Wait, what happened last week?" when sitting down for our favorite shows. We just put our feet up and Michael Scott takes care of the rest.

P.S. I have some pretty hard core visitors coming into town for the next week, so I can't promise daily posts. While television may be severely more important than schoolwork, it has not yet surpassed friends. Although, friends and television are just about the best combination ever.  Yeah, my visitors will be having a super-exciting week.

Episode 122

Tonight on America's Next Top Model, Tyra chided one of the girls by saying, "It's as if you've never heard the phrase 'smile with your eyes'." Now I realize that these girls are more likely to have heard a Tyra-ism than your average Joe, but even your average Joe (or at least Joan) probably knows that phrase. The fact that we all know exactly what that means -- don't deny it -- is ridiculous.

Television popularizes some of the most absurd phrases, and they're usually just euphemisms for "you lose": "Please pack your knives and go," "The tribe has spoken," "You've been chopped," "You're fired! (Yoo fiyahed!)" and the ever-brilliant "Next!" just to provide a few examples.

I think the next time I beat someone in Scrabble (which will likely be within the next 24 hours), I'm just going to say "It's a bit pitchy, dawg." That should go over well.

Episode 121

Cameos just aren't what they used to be. When an awesome celebrity finds his or her way on to one of your favorite shows, it seems really exciting. For a second, you're tricked into being super star struck. Whoa, that's Jack Black on 30 Rock! And then you stop and think, wait a second, that's also Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, and Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock. Hmmm, suddenly Jack Black doesn't seem all that exciting.

The impact used to be much stronger. Naturally, we'll start with an example from Saved by the Bell: The College Years. There's an episode when Brian Austin Green makes a cameo (as himself) at the gang's Thanksgiving dinner. I'm sorry, but how did Saved by the Bell: The College Years get one of the most popular heartthrobs of the time to come on to one of the eighteen total episodes it ever had? I guess it didn't help the ratings all that much in the end. On one episode of Full House, Frankie Valli (no Four Seasons) makes a cameo and serenades DJ on behalf of Nelson who wants to win her back. FRANKIE VALLI?! That's awesome. I'm sorry, but cameos need to get back to their roots.

I guess shows are too good now, so the cameos can't really add much excitement. For a concluding example, check out the horrendous acting of Julie from Friday Night Lights in her appearance on 90210. I guess talent in one teen soap doesn't mean talent in anything else (Katie Holmes, anyone?)

Episode 120

Family Feud is a pretty hysterical show. And no, I don't get discouraged by the inevitable commercials telling me I should make the phone call to Everest College so I can do something with my life. Yes, I know I'm watching television at 1:00pm, but that doesn't mean I don't have a Masters degree.

So, back to Family Feud. First of all, what is John O'Hurley doing hosting this show? He is funny and charming and seemingly intelligent, yet he's hosting the most absurd and brainless game show on television (I don't even need to say "except Deal or No Deal", it's just implied).

Anyway, my favorite part -- and I assume everyone's favorite part -- of Family Feud is after the round is over, when the audience has to shout out in unison all of the answers that remain on the board. So if the question was "Name a phrase with the word 'face' in it," the remaining answers will be shown, and the whole audience will shout "FACE OFF!" in a really drawn out, what-the-hell-are-we-doing-in-the-audience-of-this-stupid-show kind of voice.

But this becomes even more comical in two situations: First, when there's a slash in the answer. So like, if the question was "Name a room in your house where you might watch television" and the answer that flips over says "Living room/ Den", the audience does a really awkward, semi-unison "Liiiiiiving Rooooooom [how long should we pause to indicate this slash?!] Dennnnnnnnn."

The other, and even more hysterical situation is when the answer is abbreviated, and the audience has no clue what it stands for. Today, the question was "Name a man known for his dancing". Shockingly, no one guessed Baryshnikov (don't worry, I just googled it to get the spelling right). But when it came up for the audience to read, it said "M. Baryshnikov." Not only did half the audience not have a clue who that was, but those who did had no idea what the M. stood for, so it resulted in an awkward jumble that sounded something like "mmmklemm brashknvvvooooo".

Of course, John O'Hurley saved the day with his perfect Russian pronunciation and knowledge of the answer. I would have liked to see Alex Trebek do that without a cue card.

Episode 119

Today's entry will be brief, because I am in terrible TV mourning. Here's why:

I found out today that one of my students had never even heard of Dawson's Creek.

What is this world coming to?

Episode 118

I just finished writing a paper entitled "The Presence of Ghismonda and Guiscardo in Curial e Guelfa," which is an analysis of how one of Giovanni Boccaccio's novelle in the Decameron had a direct influence on the composition of the 15th-century Catalan novel. In this entry, I attempt to do a similar analysis. It will be called: "The Presence of Dawson, Pacey, Joey and the gang in Friday Night Lights."

I intend no disrespect to Friday Night Lights (FNL from here on out), and I think it has actually improved upon some of Dawson Creek's (DC's) more ridiculous plot lines, but these are just the facts. FNL has diluted the plot lines: that is, there are many more characters in FNL, so where the same characters participate in all the DC adventures, FNL spreads the love. If you're a fan of FNL and want to keep your dignity, you may want to stop reading right now. I know DC did not invent these themes or stories, but some of these are blatant steals. In no particular order -- and some more banal than others -- here you are:

1. Pacey (DC) and Landry (FNL) both have dads who are cops. Both dads get involved with the illegal drama in which their sons are implicated.
2. Two male best friends, Dawson and Pacey in DC and Jason and Tim in FNL are both in love with the same girl (Joey and Lyla, respectively). One of the guys is the girl's "soul mate" and the other is his more bad-ass friend.
3. Landry actually quotes Pacey, saying something to the effect of "I'm tired of being the sidekick, I'm going to get my own storyline" before becoming one of the shows' more prominent characters.
4. Both of the cute, promiscuous blondes (Jen in DC, Tyra in FNL) lose out to the brunette (Joey and Lyla) in a fight for love triangle attention.
5. The central family (the Leerys in DC, the Taylors in FNL) has a baby when their other only child (Dawson and Julie, respectively) is a grown teenager.
6. The Dad of the central family is the football coach of the the high school team.
7. One of the football players gets injured (Jack in DC and Jason in FNL, but not as drastically in DC) ruining his chance at a career and turning him in to a disillusioned wreck (at one point, both jump in to a body of water in an awkward I'm-so-helpless-what-should-I-do move)
8. Jen (DC) and Matt (FNL) both live alone with their grandma, who becomes a lovable sidekick to the gang.
9. Only the main family's parents end up together.
10. The unmotivated kid who's failing out of school (Pacey and Tim) becomes mentor to a spunky little kid (Buzz and Bo).
11. The badass sidekick from #2 sleeps with a woman twice his age in both shows. I will combine this with the fact that the usually obedient female lead in both (Joey and Julie) hook up with one of their male professors.
12 Andy tutors Pacey like Landry tutors Tyra and they both fall in love.
13. The tough guy character (Smash in FNL and Pacey in DC) has a bipolar girlfriend who he finds crying on her kitchen floor.
14. Tim Riggins lives with his older brother like Joey Potter lives with her older sister -- both older siblings are sometimes supportive and responsible and sometimes not even able to take care of themselves.
15. The innocent female character (Joey and Julie) dates an older guy only to realize that their lives are too different and return to her cute high school boyfriend.

16. Lyla and random guy (FNL) meet doing a teen-line radio show: this would be a combination of Jen meeting CJ at the teen-line and Jen meeting Charlie at the radio station (DC).

I'll stop there, but before I go for the day, I'd like to add that I'm only at the end of Season 2 of FNL right now. Based on the above analysis, I predict that many, many more similarities will arise in Season 3. I'm just waiting until one of the football players comes out of the closet.

Episode 117

I know this doesn't have a lot of mass appeal, but I absolutely cannot resist writing an entry about the ABSOLUTE ABSURDITY that has gone down on The Bachelor the past two days. Last night, in After the Final Rose: Part 2, Jason shamed me (personally) into not making judgments about him or his life. So I won't -- he's right, it's petty.  I'll just give you the facts (stop me if anything I say isn't verifiable fact):

For the first time in Bachelor history, the bachelor, Jason Mesnick, picked the girl America loved (Melissa), only to dump her in front of millions of viewers about 8 minutes later -- it was 6 weeks real time, but it sure felt like 8 minutes to me.

It gets better (read: worse). He then confesses that he's still in the love with the girl he didn't pick and when he tells second-place girl, they MAKE OUT! He literally just broke up with his FIANCEE and he's making out with another woman. No matter how much self-proclaimed integrity he has (and yes, I know he's a real person with real feelings and a real life), that's just cruel to Melissa.

Just to recap: Jason: chose this instead of this.

Anyway, I'm sure they're all wonderful people and I hope no one's life is ruined over this, but the least Jason can do to redeem himself is be humiliated on national television. So thank you, Jimmy Kimmel.

Episode 116

Italian television is hysterical. Probably because it's mostly just American TV dubbed over into Italian. I remember watching the first two episodes of the OC (something about a house burning down?) in Italy -- you might think it couldn't possibly be any more dramatic than it already is, but wow, Italian dubbers know their stuff.

I remember watching MTV Italia, too, which was often subtitled instead of dubbed. I'm not sure who they have translating for them, but they certainly take some creative liberties. In one scene on Next, the guy came up to the girl and said "Damn, you smell gooooood!" and the subtitles read: "Ciao, come stai?" [Hi, how are you?] I guess it's the right idea, but not exactly what they were going for... Similarly hysterical was when a girl said "My favorite singer is John Mayer" and the translation read "Il mio cantante preferito e` Elton John." You don't have to know Italian see that that one's not quite right.

And I'm sorry, but I can't not include this: so awesome.

Episode 115

The finale of The Bachelor is on tonight, which means Americans will have to finally bid a sad farewell to Jason, after two seasons of gawking and oohing and aahing. But don't worry America, you will forget about him completely in about 6 months when the next season begins. I have loyally watched every season of The Bachelor, and while I can still remember some of the more recent characters -- and some of the more absurd goings on -- the tears I've spilled over bachelors and bachelorettes past seems a little ridiculous now.

This is the case for any Reality TV show. I mean, I couldn't even tell you the name of the past three winners of Survivor (Bob, Todd, and... yeah I'm out) despite the fact that I would violently shush anyone making a peep during one of the episodes. The same goes for Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, Top Chef...and the list goes on. And it's even worse for crappy reality TV shows. Beauty and the Geek? I've seen most of the seasons, but I couldn't tell you the name of even one of the characters. Or what about those older shows: For Love or Money, Paradise Hotel... not even one recollection.

It's okay that we don't remember these, because it leaves room in our brains for instant recall of episodes of The Office, Arrested Development, Dawson's Creek, and Saved by the Bell. Oh yeah, and of all that stuff I read for my classes. There's that, too.

Episode 114

A while back, I was having a conversation with my boyfriend, and I said something which I think was quite witty (though I don't remember exactly what is was) and he asked me: "What's that from?" My everyday language revolves so much around quoting television shows that this person, who is supposed to always see the best in me, just assumes that everything I say -- especially when it's funny -- is a quote from someone on television.

A similar scenario -- but in the opposite direction -- unfolded shortly after that. I got a phone call from a friend who exclaimed, "Now I understand what you're saying all the time!" Despite this being a very ambiguous Joey Potter-ish lead in, I asked her what she meant, and she explained that she had finally watched a season or two of The Office and realized that nothing I said was original. Essentially, anything about me that was funny or interesting had been stolen from Michael Scott.

But I think we're all culprits. This same friend -- we'll call her Sarah -- cannot be involved in any situation without comparing it to or referring to a Friends episode. I have probably only seen about 10 or 15 episodes of Friends in my life (that is slowly being rectified) but I know, in detail, the plots of about 100 or more episodes. It's quite weird to turn on TBS, watch an episode of Friends, and say, "Oh, I know this episode," without having ever seen it.

Television seeps into our personalities in such a profound way that we're really able to make friends based on similar viewing interests. Feelings about a show can make or break a friendship. So that means, if you're really my friend, you're going to go watch all six seasons of Dawson's Creek. Right now.

*My apologies for slacking yesterday. I was so busy that I didn't even turn on the TV all day. It was tragic. If I'd known it would affect someone's mental health, I would have been more careful!

Episode 113

I have already expressed my shock and dismay about Uncle Jesse's 23-year-old-ness. While that makes me feel ancient, I have discovered another phenomenon that makes me feel quite young. As I begin to watch more and more shows that involve the lives of teenagers (no, I do not live in the past), I have discovered that these "kids" are actually significantly older than me.

A few examples (by the way, this is all based on IMDb, with a little cross-checking, so I can't promise exact precision): When Dawson's Creek began, Kerr Smith, who played Jack, was 27. He was playing a 16-year-old. It gets crazier: On Friday Night Lights, the two characters involved in one of the love stories are supposed to be seniors in high school. The actors are 29 and 30. Yes, Lyla Garrity is 29-years-old. Ryan, from The OC, was 25 when the show started, dating 17-year-old Mischa Barton as Marissa. That's awkward.

In addition to making me feel young, this validates the plethora of romantic dreams I manage to have about television characters, particularly those in high school. Yeah, he may play a 17-year-old in Friday Night Lights, but Tim Riggins is actually 28, so it's okay for me to dream.  Sigh.

Episode 112

I love game shows. I think everyone loves game shows. Who remembers Press Your Luck? Triple whammy, anyone? How about -- for you twentysomethings -- Nick Arcade (what graphics!) and Get the Picture? Who knew Mike O'Malley would ever make it outside of the Nickelodeon game show world? Anyway, these shows are all extremely compelling: people are winning money and prizes for usually doing absolutely nothing at all.

This past September, my childhood dream came true (absolutely not kidding) and I went to see a live taping of The Price is Right. My swanky LA friend and I wandered over to the set around 8:00 in the morning (show is at 3:00) and -- after 7 hours of waiting in line -- we ended up being the very last two people allowed in to the taping (sucks for the couple behind us, but hey, no mercy).

Anyway, we walk into this theater, and I was holding my breath in preparation for pure dreamlike awesomeness... and I'm still holding my breath. It seemed like the size of my shoebox studio apartment and the stage was the size of a breadbox (approximately). Check it out. Swank and I were sitting in the very last row, and I could have been on stage in 12 steps, max. "Could have" being the key words because I wasn't called on down.

There really isn't a point to the story, except that what we see on TV is rarely what's there in real life. Even when it is real life with real people, like on a game show, what you see isn't always what you get.

Episode 111

Yesterday I mentioned how TV made me realize that I tend to take the easy way out. Lesson learned. Well, TV has recently taught me another lesson, this one much more grave and powerful: I am awful at doing impressions.

It all started with the Dwight face and it has only escalated from there. I have this idea in my head that I can precisely replicate the facial expressions and voices of all of my favorite characters. I dressed as Pam for Halloween and thought I could make her little snickery-confused-are-you-serious face with little effort. Yet even after looking in the mirror for a good 10 minutes in an attempt to perfect it, I was sorely disappointed with my final performance.

Most recently, I've been trying to nail down Coach Taylor's one-liners from Friday Night Lights. I was so certain I had it -- you un'erstand me? -- until I remembered that not only am I not from the South, I'm also not a man, so I probably sounded absolutely nothing like him. Unfortunately, I can't link to a clip of him talking because I'm only on Season 1 and I'm afraid I'll see a plot spoiler. But I highly recommend you check it out because it's super bad-ass.

It was a disppointing realization that I am not the impressionist (?) genius I thought I was, but I haven't lost hope. In the end, I've decided that as long as it sounds good in my head, that's enough to keep me entertained...and it will, for the rest of the afternoon.

Episode 110

It is absolutely mind-boggling to think about everything that goes in to making one episode of television. First of all, these people are working for days and weeks to create 21 or 42 minutes of television. What's more, we as the audience kind of assume that the characters' lives don't even exist off screen. Which they don't. Ok, nevermind. That's sad.

Last night, amidst a marathon of Friday Night Lights, there was an episode where all the characters are at a giant town fair -- Ferris wheel, fried dough, arm wrestling booth, the works. Where I grew up, the annual carnival (or jamboree as we so quirkily called it) was basically the biggest thing to happen in town all year. And these television people create one in order to get about 6 minutes of footage for one episode of a show that I'm now watching on my couch.

Think back to the days when shows were shot on sets. We never had a 360 degree view of the Lamberts' kitchen on Step by Step or Mr. Belding's office on Saved By the Bell. But now, we know every inch of the Bluth house and we can make a floor plan of The Office. Everything is so incredibly real. I just can't imagine what the director is thinking when he has to decide "should we erect a life-sized carnival with all the festivities, or should we just put up some balloons and call it a high school dance?"

I tend to take go with the easy way out when I make decisions. So I guess I'm not cut out for television.

Episode 109

Sometimes we just have to leave the apartment. As much as I love television, a little fresh air (or food) does the body good. There are certain nights that I stay in no matter what. Thursday nights are those kinds of nights. If I were to miss Survivor, The Office, and 30 Rock, not only would I have to cry myself to sleep, but I'd have way too much TV to catch up on and it would stress me out. Television should not, under any circumstances, cause stress (which is why I'm having trouble getting in to Friday Night Lights, but more on that another day).

Certain days, though, I take the night off from TV, for various reasons. The other night, I went rollerskating (not as fun as it sounds), thus missing the new episode of LOST. It sounds tragic, especially because of my newly renewed excitement for the show. But, as we know, there are now a plethora of ways to catch up.

I don't have TiVo (I actually had to just google it to see how it was spelled). TiVo is probably a bad idea for someone like me. As I said, sometimes we just have to leave the apartment, and if I had TiVo, it would serve the opposite of its intended function -- instead of feeling like I could leave the house even if something good were on TV, I would never leave the house because something good would always be on TV.

I do, however, have the internet. And the internet allows us to watch our shows -- often in HD and with limited commercial interruptions -- whenever we want. I'm not going to get in to the discussion of how this has changed TV culture in America (I'll leave that to Jason Mittell, who, by the way, is apparently my competition) but it's something to think about. Without any trouble, I can now pause LOST, rewind it to say "Was that THAT lady?!", and then start it again without having missed anything. At the very least, this leads to much less annoying shh-ing during shows (come on, we're all guilty).

And I will now leave you with a relevant and absolutely phenomenal commercial on TV for TV. I was going to sneak it in somewhere in the entry, but it's too good to risk you all not clicking on my all too witty links. If you watch enough TV, you've seen it anyway, but just in case: here you go.

Episode 108

Sometimes I get really mad at the TV.

It often has something to do with Joey Potter being egocentric and condescending. Last night it had to do with the fact that that homewrecking nut job on Top Chef was almost given a second chance after they had finally booted her. I used to get really angry when an episode of Dawson's Creek would end on a sad note, and since the first thing that always flashed on the screen was "Executive producer: Paul Stupin," I would cleverly yell through my tears: "More like Paul Stupid!" What can I say, I'm witty.

Another common reaction for me is tearing up (read: sobbing) at a sad scene in a show. Now, being angry or sad or whatever other extreme emotion is all fine and well... until the commercial. How awkward is that moment when you have tears streaming down your face or you're screaming profanities at the TV, and then suddenly there's an ad on for some vaginally insertable birth control? If you're with someone, it's just embarrassing. If you're watching by yourself, it's almost more ridiculous because then you're just sitting there bawling, listening to the free credit report guy sing some catchy ditty, and reflecting on the fact that you're crying because Phoebe can't keep her babies.

Episode 107

I have somehow managed to go a week without an entry devoted solely to The Office. There will be many, I'm sure, but I have to start somewhere. So here we go:

One of the most brilliant things about The Office -- and there are many -- are the facial expressions. 

We're all familiar with Jim's famous quizzical camera face, Angela's glare, Kevin's grin, and Stanley's constant eyerolls. But more incredible are the facial expressions of all of these characters when we're not looking.

Pick an episode, any episode, and watch it all the way through, focusing only on Michael. You'll notice that he looks at the camera at least every 10 seconds, in a different way each time. He's looking for something from whoever is behind the camera, usually an affirmation for some fact he invented or a laugh to a joke that's (not) funny.  Luckily for Michael, the person he's looking at behind the camera -- you -- is cracking the hell up.

While Michael is by far my favorite face-maker (Facemaker! who remembers that game?), there are plenty of face superstars on The Office. One of my all-time favorite faces is a Dwight original. Just after having driven into the lake, soaking wet, when Michael is freaking out (literally) about the guy who ate his chocolate turtles, the camera flashes to Dwigt (d-w-i-g-H-t) for just a millisecond, and the look on Dwight's face is absolutely amazing...and impossible to reproduce (I've tried. Many times).

In any case, no matter how much a blatant That's What She Said might appear to be the best moment in any given episode (and it's hard not to agree), the next time you re-watch all 4 seasons on DVD, keep an eye out for the smaller things. Michael Scott is not one for subtlety, but luckily for us, Steve Carrell is.

Episode 106

LOST has totally redeemed itself.

It was the creepiest, most mysterious, most compelling show on television for about a season and a half...maybe two seasons. Then suddenly, we started realizing that there were so many loose ends -- the monster, Rousseau's friends' "sickness", the non-aging creepy Other, the whispering, and the list goes on -- that were never, ever going to be tied up. We were restless. We wanted answers. And some of us just stopped watching.

This happens all the time. How many people do you know who used to watch LOST, but once all the loose ends started piling up, got bored and lost hope? Or how about when you gave up on 24 because you realized it was just the same 42 minutes every week? And how quickly did you get sick of the Joey-Dawson-Jen love triangle on the first two seasons of Dawson's Creek? I have heard the same complaints about nearly every show -- Grey's Anatomy, The Wire, and even Gossip Girl, in only its second season.

But some of us keep watching these shows. Why? Because we have faith in them. They are a part of us. And it is moments like this week's episode of LOST that make us realize it was worth the wait. Our answers are coming.

It may just be the addictive nature of television (which is why I forced myself not to watch the first episode of Hell's Kitchen this season). But I think at least some part of why we keep watching, even through the tough times, is the emotion we have wrapped up in these shows. For better or for worse, right?

As a postscript, is LOST actually spelled with all caps? I have had this discussion with several of my super-cool, non-dorky friends, and I'm not sure we've quite figured it out.

Episode 105

I despise Gilmore Girls.

My tiny hometown's small claim-to-fame was that a portion of the pilot for the Gilmore Girls was filmed there, and I have read that the feel for Stars Hollow (yeah, what?) is loosely based on our little downtown. To be honest, I think of it more as a claim-to-shame. I'm pretty tolerant when it comes to television -- I can watch an entire episode of Wife Swap without changing the channel -- but I literally cannot sit through more than about 30 seconds of Gilmore Girls. And believe me, I've tried.

In my hometown, as far as I know, people didn't sit around bantering with each other sardonically as if their indifference were a sign of true genius and hilarity. In Stars Hollow, that's all that ever happens. It's this back and forth one-liner obnoxiousness between that unflatteringly immature mother and overly precocious teenage girl that gets me. My head literally wants to explode whenever those two are involved in a conversation, which is every second of that plotless show (well, I shouldn't say plotless since it would be difficult for me to string together any plot from the 30-second clips I have floating around in my head). I mean really, are you seriously so witty that you can't calm down for two seconds without a comeback?

Anyway, last night I was watching yet another brilliant episode of 30 Rock when something dawned on me. Not all back and forth one-liner exchange is bad. Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey have absolutely perfected the art of banter (See minute 2:50). I think it's the feigned indifference that gets me with the Gilmore girls. It's okay to care, people, and Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy...they care. And it makes me care. About them and about television.